Out beyond the ideas of right-doing or wrong-doing there is a field - I'll meet you there.


Thursday, November 06, 2008

Cycles of life

(I write this primarily in order to rid myself of an intermittent fog of nihilistic thought that arises every time I contemplate the future in the context of my identification with present-day society and the human species. Unfailingly, I begin brooding and digging deeper and deeper into futorological writings, reading frenetically to seek out bright prospects in humanity's future to dispel the existential darkness of the moment. This tends to be a drain on my time as well as being a useless (in the traditional sense of the word) and addictive cycle of repetitive activity. I have resolved, therefore, to put my views on the matter down in print, in the hope that the process will either end my fretting, or at the least channel it into a tangible medium.)

As an avid reader of science fiction during my younger days, I have often remarked at the pedestrian nature of the concepts and gadgetry (though not the literary value) deployed in contemporary science fiction writing. As our understanding of the near impossibility of human extra-solar space travel has gradually consolidated, and as advances in scientific discoveries have declined in cultural significance, writers increasingly have to look to realms of fantasy or sociology to construct their story-lines. An unfortunate consequence of this shift is that the delighful art of peering into the future has been decoupled from artistic imagination and is now the domain of sober scientific speculation either through fitting curves to empirical evidence from the modern industrial period or through seeking predictive power in the present by devising sociological theories of history.

To me, either methodology appears to result in an unfortunate narrowing of focus. In the first case, the predictors tend to be stalwarts of the avant garde of technological innovation (Kurzweil, Joy, Moravec etc), who look upon evolution as a best-case scenario, i.e., they operate on the premise that once technology has been developed, nothing can stop it from being adopted. Their statistical analysis of 50 years of technological discovery leads them to believe that advances will continue to accelerate, leading, in the next few decades, to a situation where, depending on the degree of sanguinity of the predictor (a) scarcity and the need to work will have been eliminated or (b) humans will have been marginalized or exterminated. I suggest that these observers suffer from a sampling bias, i.e., they consider human history in the period before 1800 to have made no contribution to ensuing developments. This arises from the assumption that progress must be physically present and demonstrable to count. A second fallacy lies in the assumption that technological feasibility will inevitably cause adoption. A stark counterexample is the fate of the space program, which has seen no progress in the last three decades through the lack of social incentive. I feel that their predictions, while quite specific, are unlikely to be accurate, since they operate entirely using inductive reasoning and cannot account for feedback effects and other social variables. In the second case, that of sociological analyses, I feel that these observers suffer from the opposite problem, i.e., their models are not flexible enough to be able to make good predictions about the volatile period of human existence that we are living through. While observations regarding social disruption, anomie and commentaries on crime rates, urbanization etc are certainly apposite, these analyses do not have predictive power, since they are based entirely on analogous as opposed to inductive reasoning.

I title this essay `Cycles of life' because the basic thesis herein is a characterization of four stages of existential behavior in all systems that learn to make fewer errors in prediction based on their interactions with their environment. This framework, I then claim, presents a good description not just of an individual human's actions while in existence, but also those of a society's and lastly humanity's. I assign to these four phases of existence names assigned in the Indian Classical system of ashrams since the original system emerges as a special case of the more general model I propose. I first define the ashram framework and show characteristics of systems to which it will apply. Then, I examine the degrees to which it may be applied to entities that we recognize well - the liberal democratic Western culture, the scientific enterprise, less developed societies in other parts of the world, and finally humanity as a whole. By hypothesizing and providing evidence for a parallel between the existential trajectories of humans and societies it becomes possible to draw specific conclusions about the future of humanity in a heuristic and socially interpretable manner, as opposed to empirical methods which, as described above, make severe and dehumanizing assumptions about cultural homogeneity into the future. Furthermore, our mathematical formulation of the generative process affords our model the rigor and predictive ability that sociological approaches tend to lack.

A meta-comment before we begin: I am continually perplexed by what I formulate to myself as the 'dilemma of citation'. It is hard for me to keep track of the observations of technologists, social scientists and philosophers since my reading generally follows Brownian motion rather than a linear scholarly process. At the very outset, therefore, I disclaim all pretensions to originality and virtue in this work and apologize to those whose ideas I may appear to plagiarize throughout this exposition. Since I stand to gain nothing save some emotional satisfaction from the writing, I hereby consider myself to be ethically absolved.

The ashrams of Manu

The Manu Smriti is a Sanskrit text dated to the 2nd century B.C. that contains social commentaries and injunctions as preached (if not necessarily practiced) in India towards the end of the Maurya empire. It has attracted considerable controversy, since it defined and was used as spiritual sanction for the imposition of the infamous caste system. While post-colonially, it is possible to see that the practice was much caricatured by Western interpreters to increment the white man's putative burden, the fact remains that the Manu Smriti remains a controversial reference. Therefore, I wish to clarify that I borrow no ideology from the text, only some convenient nomenclature.

The Manu Smriti divides a man's life into four stages. The first, brahmacharya, is associated with the life of a student: minimal transactional involvement with society, exploratory expeditions and vocational and intellectual learning. The second, grihastha, is identified with the life of a man of the world: extreme transactional involvement, well-established social networks and relationships, sense of duty, responsibility and exaltation of the spirit of hard work. The third, vanaprastha, is identified with the lifestyle of a wanderer: great freedom of movement, lowered sense of transactional responsibility, greater social egalitarianism, increased affinity for simplicity. The fourth stage is called sannyasa, the life of the renunciate, which reflects a complete end to transactional as well as social involvement and a gradual dispersal of the sense of identity, preparatory to its physical cessation. The hypothesis of this essay is that the existential evolution of humans - both as individuals and as communities - proceeds along these broad stages of development. I further claim that this process is characteristic of systems that 'live', for reasons that I discuss next.

To see how the four-fold trajectory is an extremely plausible mechanism for the evolution of living systems, it becomes necessary for us to conduct a gedankenexperiment motivated by computational learning theory. Consider a space of possible outcomes, each of which can affect an agent that chooses them positively or negatively. The manner (positive or negative) in which the agent is affected is governed by the agent's preference relation, which is essentially a collection of statements that the agent stores in its memory to allow it to make choices intelligently. For example, the preference relation 'if hair on fire, then effect of going to movies strongly negative' will allow an agent to choose wisely between going to the movies and finding a bucket of water. It is not known whether all agents are initialized with the same preference relation, but the question is moot, since at every instant in an agent's existence span, it makes choices which affect its preference relation. Thus, it is almost impossible to find two agents with the same preference relation.

Now, if an agent is to survive, it is necessary for it to learn to avoid negative outcomes, a process that is accomplished using both prior knowledge as well as experience of outcomes. The greatest ability for an agent is to be able to generalize, that is, find similarities and analogies between past outcomes with known results and future outcomes with unknown results in order to predict and thus avoid negative effects. Thus, it is not sufficient to merely remember past outcomes, the agent must summarize past experience in a manner informative about the future.

The scenario that I have described here is precisely the state of affairs in the theoretical field of machine learning, where the agents in question are learning algorithms. Substantial progress has been made in understanding the mechanisms of learning in the past decade, and the foundations of learning theory, at least in some simple concept spaces, are quite clear. In the thought experiment that I have constructed, a learning algorithm would behave in exactly the manner a rational individual would, except that its methods for finding similarities between outcomes would be completely statistical and correlational. How would its activity appear to an outside observer?

When initialized, it may or may not have some prior knowledge about the space of outcomes . In the former case (let us call it 'Bayesian Faith') the algorithm's prior knowledge may be inaccurate, in which case, it is going to get knocked around by a lot of negative outcomes until it amends its view of the space to be in conformity with what it observes. In case its prior knowledge is accurate, it will make fewer mistakes and will be relatively more successful than any of its peers so long as it exists in the limited subspace of outcomes for which it possesses strong prior knowledge. In the latter case, which we call 'Popperian Agnosticism', the algorithm will begin from a state of complete ignorance and learn from its mistakes incrementally. While it will take longer than Bayesian Faith in forming its preference relations, it will be able to explore a larger subspace of outcomes and will thereby generalize and predict better. The perpetual trade-off for learning algorithms is one between power and generalizability. Essentially, an algorithm can either choose to have great predictive ability over a set of outcomes that it has a strong hypothesis for, or it can choose to be able to represent all outcomes, but not necessarily be correct in its predictions about them, or be able to interpret and explain them to others.

We now come to the nub: consider a scenario where the space of outcomes can either not be determined by a single preference relation, or the complexity of this preference relation is outside the computational power of individual agents. In several cases, it has been seen that multiple weak learners, allowed to vote using their individual predictions using a simple or weighted majority scheme can learn preference relations well beyond the representational power of each one of them singly. This phenomenon is known in the machine learning community as 'boosting'. Extending our Devil's advocacy further, however, what if the preference relation is beyond the boosted collective learner just as well? Boost the boosters? Hierarchical boosting? It has been shown that such measures will have diminishing returns and that at some point, there will be no advantage gleaned from trying to improve and at that point, the best an algorithm will be able to do will be to make predictions as best it can, with occasional mistakes.

Without entering upon a semantic discussion, I suggest that it is not too outlandish to describe the first stage, where the agent learns using either prior knowledge or through expansive explorations of the space of outcomes as the brahmacharya phase of the agent's existence. Further, the second stage, where the agent (a) combines its preference relations with others in order to make better predictions and (b) uses its learned preference relation to make choices actively outside its domain of learned examples, can be called the grihastha phase of its existence without placing too superogatory an epistemological burden upon either concept.

Where our thought experiment departs from this well-known machine learning framework is in adding the additional constraint of self-preservation to the agents' behavior. Thus, while the unconstrained learning algorithm can settle down into a state of imperfect optimality and continue to function with its best possible preference relation, an algorithm constrained to self-preservation can no longer safely do so under all circumstances. Should the algorithm stop learning or reach an asymptote in performance, the number of mistakes it makes on subsequent decisions stops declining. Given enough time and outcome trials, the agent must necessarily die. Since perception of the viability of self-preservation can be thought of as a function of the magnitude of the agent's fitness, it is natural to see that the agent will have a pre-concept of this eventuality and must do something to ward it off.

At this stage, we must step out from the mathematical confines of learning theory into a more philosophical realm. Certain metaphors and intuitions, however, continue to hold. Assuming that the domain does not allow perfect certainty, the learning agent must either continue to improve its performance or attempt to reduce the number of trials it is making as a function of its life-span. The former case, as several mathematical results show, follows a law of diminishing returns unless the ideal preference relation is within the domain of the learner's capability. This does not exclude it from the possible range of an agent's options, it merely makes it a somewhat inefficient option. The other possibility is to gradually withdraw from the informational game that the space of outcomes plays with the learner, or, at the least, endeavor to do so. This will result in a stage where the agent, now in possession of the optimal hypothesis with respect to its preference relation, can choose to essentially 'play', make random learning excursions across the space of outcomes with little expectation of improvement. The decrease in the prospect of improving upon one's performance will cause a corresponding decrease in the transactional initiatives of the learner. Collective functions learned will gradually decline in value, yet not altogether so; the ones that improve performance significantly will be perpetuated. As a matter of fact, the possibility of sparsification in beneficial collective functions will make it likely that they will be preferred over individual functions learned, since it is in the agent's interests to minimize the number of transactions it makes. For example, if a boosted learner has 20 components and predicts the value of a particular subspace of outcomes with a precision that is almost entirely retained if only 15 components vote every time, effective scheduling will allow all 20 weak learners to make fewer decisions by sitting out rounds in a prescribed order. Again, and this is a major point of emphasis, we claim that this stage will correspond with the vanaprastha phase of the agent's existence.

The final phase, sannyasa, does not fit very well within the learning framework we have devised. Teleological considerations arise and affect the reasoning process (Why do the agents exist? Should the self-perceived cost of the death of an agent tend to zero or infinity as it comes to the end of its existence?) so that the connections to learning theory can no longer be effectively made. Statements made regarding this realm are almost certain to be tinged with ideology, and are hence avoided at this juncture. The only one that we will hazard is the suggestion that, free of philosophical positions, an agent with a mandate for self-preservation, operating under conditions that make its destruction imminent, can no longer derive any self-perceived benefit by operating logically. An open question remains as to whether it should persist in doing so, or attempt to make one of the two extra-logical operations feasible; sublimating either (a) its desire for self-preservation or (b) its perceptual and cognitive facilities that cause it to be affected by the consequences of outcomes. This stage, with its motivationally ambiguous characterization, we assert, may be identified with the sannyasa phase of an agent's existence.

The human condition


Psychiatrists, psychologists and various religious traditions have, at various times and with varying degrees of success, attempted to formulate cardinal principles for describing human behavior and motivations. The fact that all of these hypotheses, several of which are wildly divergent and some of which are quite definitely irrational, have met with substantial success in explaining aspects of human behavior (which is why they survive and flourish) leads one to believe that one compact and rigorous formulation might be as good (or bad) as the next. Here, we suggest that postulating humans as individual and collective agents in our learning experiment leads to a plausible and adequate description of the human condition. We further claim that instantiating these agents with representatives of various belief systems (religious, scientific, cultural) brings forth a large series of social phenomena in an emergent manner, leading us to believe that the isomorphism that we have discovered does actually characterize learning systems meaningfully. We now address each of these claims separately,

Humans as agents


If we posit that humans are primarily driven by the desire for self-preservation and that they do so by interacting with their environment and learning from examples of various outcomes that they encounter, we are claiming no more than a well-established scientific view of the functionality of humans. This part of the argument must, then, pass muster. The sequence of phases that we assigned to the operations of learning algorithms earlier are also claimed to apply here. It is possible, at this stage, to sink into a morass of semantic argument over the incompatibility of the ashram paradigm with some existing system of understanding the human personality. As I suggest above, it is not necessary for different explanatory frameworks to merge, if they make equivalent predictions and have equivalent explanatory power. Representational issues need not (and should not be allowed to) obstruct the flow of reason. Thus, if we are confident that the learning framework is internally consistent, and of the assumption that humans, like all living systems, interact with their environment based on what they learn, then we should be able to proceed further without seeking validation from existing literature. The ashram system was originally developed, as described earlier, to represent stages in human development. From the heuristic description inherent in their definition, it should not require a stretch of credulity to assign the corresponding four phases to humans operating in natural environments.

At this stage, we must make an important distinction. Specifically, the four phases represent behavior of an agent that is rational and more importantly self-aware. Thus, if an agent is oblivious to the existence of its desire for self-preservation, or learning from past negative outcomes, then its behavior will no longer match the expectations of the model. This statement is unfortunate , since it leaves us open to ideological ad hominem attacks (``So Mr Srivastava, not only are you presenting a new science for understanding humanity, you are giving us a new religion into the bargain!''). However, it does follow from the logic of the framework and hence, must be made. An exploration of how the four phases are manifest in people of different psychological persuasions and degrees of self-awareness is a fascinating exercise that I must leave here as an open problem, since discussing it in detail will draw us too far away from our primary arguments. Let me summarize, however, by stating that a framework of information-processing for self-preservation need not be rejected out of hand as a plausible mechanism for understanding human behavior.

Belief systems as agents

We now arrive at the raison d'etre for this essay - the case of the quibbling communities. Predictions about the future of humanity are chiefly predicated on the trajectory of evolution of society, since biological evolution has been rendered almost irrelevant by technological and social innovations. More descriptively, the mating fitness landscape of human existence is now governed predominantly by cultural as opposed to biological factors, which means that biological natural selection is not likely to play a significant role in the scheme of human affairs in times to come. Since memes rather than genes will determine the course of humanity, studies concerning the future of humanity are now dominated by predictions about the interplay between society and technology.

By using belief systems (or communities and/or identities defined based on belief systems) as agents in our learning framework, we recover a process that has, in recent years, been called 'creative destruction', when viewed from the economic paradigm of capitalism. Ideas emerge, if profitable, they are adopted very rapidly until the competitive advantage thereof is eliminated. Ideas that are obsolete are discarded, allowing a socio-economic `survival of the fittest' ecosystem to emerge. Furthermore, fitting the ashram system's four phases to the domain of belief systems can recover Kuhn's idea of progress through the shifting of paradigms. In our case, the traction an agent gains in the space of all agents may be measured by the number of transactions it consummates. As this number declines, the paradigm associated with the belief system the agent represents will gradually fade from view to be supplanted by newer ones.

Let us endeavor to describe the behavior of belief systems in terms of our learning framework. In the first phase, having been initialized with some prior preference relation, the agent will naturally seek to grow through interpreting and learning from social experiments that occur within its purview. The second phase emerges when the agent has reached a critical mass, whereupon it appears in the form of a community with fixed canons and traditions. This is the period when its social utility (measured using number of social transactions) reaches its apex. The third phase commences once the agent's predictive ability begins to reach an asymptote. The ashram intuition would suggest that it gradually decrease its social involvement and expend its existing momentum in exploring nooks and crannies in the edifice of its preference relation already established or in exploring schema of exploration it has heretofore rejected as non-canonical. The crucial element in understanding the subsequent evolution of the agent is in realizing that there is no fixed trajectory that it must necessarily follow. Whereas in the first two phases, a Cartesian detached view of the fitness of the preference relation (with relatively little self-examination) was sufficient for teleological guidance, such objective clarity is no longer optimal behavior for an agent in the vanaprastha phase.

Notice further that, whereas it is not hard to develop an intuition regarding the first two phases of the activities of this class of agent, it is much harder to assess the normative probabilities of its behavior in the third phase. I suggest that this fact is strong corroborative evidence for the assertion that the belief system that we are most familiar with - modern society - is currently at a transition period between the grihastha and vanaprastha phases. Our collective consciousness has not experienced and accepted the vanaprastha phase, rendering the wells of intuition dry in this regard. This is where the abstract theoretical framework I have proposed will assist us in making principled arguments regarding the future, assuming ideal rational behavior on the part of all participants.

The world turns fifty-five


It is perhaps presumptive for one who is less than half that age to assess the existential circumstances and motivations of a fifty-five year old human agent that has successfully navigated its local information domain. Unfortunately, that is precisely what I must now do, thankfully in very general terms. He has developed a strong and well-generalized preference relation and is associated with several boosted communities of agents with varying degrees of commitment. He is likely to be past his prime in terms of economic and intellectual productivity, but will retain much power and influence in the relevant communities nevertheless by virtue of his past performance. Beyond this point, he has several options, all relatively tranquil and all involving a gradual unwinding of his material transactions and a withdrawal into introspective, playful and abstract activities.

Based on the learning hypothesis, I postulate that, among others, the belief system of natural materialism has arrived at a congruent existential state. This, I further claim, manifests itself primarily through the rise to prominence of the law of diminishing returns in two essential domains (a) the social benefit of scientific inquiry and (b) the social benefit of economic productivity. From the description of the vanaprastha phase of the learning framework, it follows ineluctably that the corresponding belief systems will decline in social utility as they enter this stage of existence. Let us now briefly examine each of the two subsidiary claims in light of the physical evidence.

The first claim - decline in the social benefit of scientific inquiry - is bound to ruffle feathers if analyzed deductively. I will, therefore, merely present an empirical argument and pass lightly on. It is a widely held view that economic pricing is a good approximation of social utility in the limit of efficient markets and freely transferable resources. Assuming this to be true (or partially true), let us view the following scenario objectively: the Clay Mathematical Institute has offered a prize of $1 million each for the solution of seven of the most significant mathematical problems extant. These include the recently proved Poincare Conjecture, the metaphysically profound P=NP problem, the incredibly deep Riemann hypothesis and the fiendishly intractable Navier-Stokes analysis. Each one of these, of itself, addresses a foundational issue in our understanding of the physical world and the models we use to describe it. Realize, however, that a mathematician who, by dint of genius and labor, solves all of them and expands the frontiers of our knowledge by an unimaginable quantum would win a purse of $7 million in all (We ignore for the moment, any economic benefit he may derive by assuming that the level of mathematical abstraction required to solve these problems would render the mathematician incapable of functioning very efficiently where his economic self-interest is concerned). Realize further, that the newborn offspring of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were paid twice this amount ($14 million) for the privilege of publishing their first photographs. Without wishing to pontificate in any way, we merely observe that a society that prices its social transactions in such a manner demonstrates a rather low probability of setting great store by scientific inquiry!

We turn now to the second claim - decline in the social benefit of economic productivity. This is a subject of intense debate in the current political climate, where environmental sustainability concerns are finally being allowed a hearing after nearly a century of suppression in favor of capitalistic fervor and economies of scale. The lack of correlation of income with happiness beyond a threshold value and the high happiness rates in some countries with low per capita income are observations that have been made and commented upon by several authors far more erudite than I. I will merely state, therefore, that the claim has significant support from a broad spectrum of empirical evidence, social activism and environmental sustainability theories. In point of fact, with the vicissitudes of the financial markets of the world in the past year or so, mainstream acceptance of the implausibility of sustaining economic growth is growing and alternative philosophies of consumption and living are being examined with wider interest than ever before. The realization that it is important to treat non-renewable natural materials as capital instead of resource has presented much cause for deliberation in public policy in the Western world in recent years. It is not that the circumstances that the modern economy faces are unforeseen and unpredictable, it is simply that the theories that explain economic behavior in such conditions as have now emerged (globalization in an unequal world causing lop-sided supply-demand, decline in availability of natural materials) have not found traction in the past. In short, while there is nothing radically new in the idea that the world's economic models must change to adapt to the change in their environment, the change, in itself, is radical in terms of its consequences upon how people behave and the things that (should) motivate them. It is important to raise this distinction for the following reason: one of the chief responses of capitalistic thought to sustainability theories is the claim that they are proposing nothing new, equating value with originality. The assumption, which follows from the efficient market hypothesis, is that the theory would have been adopted earlier if it had any value. Since it has not, it need not. It is important, therefore, to point out that change in the economic environment represents a change in the space of outcomes, rendering the efficient markets argument and hence the appeal to tradition irrelevant. We thus conclude that there is substantial reason to believe that our second claim is correct.

Validating our two claims in turn suggests the validity of our primary claim, that the belief system of natural materialism, inasmuch as it has governed the manner of thinking of industrial society, is past its prime. Again, there is no originality in this claim, it has been made before and with great vigor by proponents of ecological, environmental, primitivistic and anarchistic points of view. Our contribution lies merely in showing that such behavior is entirely expected of all systems that grow through learning from responses to their environment, and that modern society falls firmly within this framework. Thus, appeals to the glorious future of humanity must be tempered with an acknowledgement of the reality of its ephemeral character compared with the length and time-scales of existence in general.

Just as it is difficult for adolescents to appreciate the existential worries that affect middle age, it is difficult for minds indoctrinated with heuristics designed for the grihastha phase of social existence to attach much value to vanaprastha ruminations. The pop psychology expression for this phenomenon is `mid-life crisis', a mismatch between the desire for continued social utility and an awareness of its diminishing prospects. At this stage, there are several methods of handling one's predicament. One used at times is denial: witness the perpetual quest for immortality, now occasionally modified and expressed as a desire for mind-uploading. Another, more common, is dispersal of identity; the understanding that those who will come later, whether in one's genetic progression or another's will experience and learn what oneself could not. The reasons for this strategy can be explored further in our framework, but are passed over here in the interests of the continued cogency of our main argument. A third attitude, and one seen more frequently in the contemplative cultures of the East than in the extroverted milieu of industrial society is that of explicit vanaprastha, a conscious gradual disengagement from social transactions. The first two mechanisms, while not explicitly vanaprastha in nature, eventually follow in its stead, or are countermanded by external factors and forced along in its general direction.

Conclusion

A large proportion of writing that deals with the future delves into action imperatives and eventually deteriorates into genteel ideological brinkmanship. In this essay we have scrupulously steered clear of imposing any ideological preferences upon the choices that belief systems have made in the past or will make in the future. The primitivist view expressed in support of the claim of diminishing returns on scientific and economic endeavor is an exception in this regard. We qualify its use with the argument that this is indeed a prominent view in the public policy debates of the moment, so notwithstanding its ultimate validity, it remains an accepted alternative point of view. Apart from this, I have tried to keep this exposition free of my own preference relations, in order to address the matter in as general a manner as possible.

The necessity of striving to do so is further accentuated by our conclusion that the belief systems that we have come to accept as normal are gradually transitioning, or are at a stage where there is no logical reason why they need not transition, into an ideologically ambiguous vanaprastha state of low social involvement. Recall again that this does not mean that their activity is diminishing, it means that the social utility of their activity is decreasing, causing society to seek out other paradigms of thought that affect to carry greater social utility. Since much of humanity's existence is now inextricably woven up in the fabric of the existing system, it is essential that a transition, should it occur (or be occurring), be made with a degree of awareness as to its antecedents and possible consequences. Since it is a difficult task to view the evolution of belief systems shorn of individual and collective preference relations, it becomes all the more important to develop a neutral abstract framework to facilitate discussions on such matters. Should my thesis pass muster, I feel that it will make it simpler to understand and interpret the existential choices faced by our unique and complex industrial social structure.

There are two important general conclusions that I draw from this exercise. One is the understanding that deciding the future course of action for humanity is as free and as constrained as the set of choices a hypothetical gentleman approaching his golden years faces. Almost all prospects which avoid needless conflict and stress are pleasant, but it is advisable to choose soon and choose wisely. This is not a particularly insightful observation on face value, but appears to negate the possibility of discovering moral imperatives in favor of any one futuristic paradigm. The second conclusion, if the ashram framework be considered to have some epistemological validity, lies in the observation that both extraverted (technology-driven) and intraverted (sustainability-driven) modes of progress hereon will eventually lead to an equivalent state of dispersal of human identity. While one side of the technology-simplicity argument traditionally derides the other's vision of Utopia as a world of 'soulless automata', the other responds in kind by equating the goal of the former to be the domestication of the human species by stamping out its spark of innovation. In either scenario, loss of identity, the sannyasa phase must necessarily ensue. The same argument can be made for almost every other futuristic scheme (eudaimonia, thought control, cybernetic society) within foresight at the moment. The only difference between all these paradigms, insofar as I can judge, lies in the degree of inward exploration and self-awareness that the respective belief systems will choose to motivate among their adherents. That is the question predictors of the future should be looking to resolve, with the awareness that multiple answers will, in material terms at least, eventually find the same solution.

Monday, October 27, 2008

An evening at False Kiva


My old friend Pratyush and I spent a couple of evenings clambering around canyons in Utah. The trip was motivated somewhat suddenly and impetuously by the surreal landscape in the photo above, a panoramic view shot from a fiendishly inaccessible cave half-way up a fairly sheer cliff. We absolutely had to go there to see it for ourselves. We went, we saw, and we were wonder-struck. For those that doubt the authenticity of the image, the view was perhaps even more spectacular in person than it seems in the photo. The Universe continues to conspire to amuse, amaze and bemuse me.

Per aspera ad astra

(in our context, this means: over really rough roads to a really large number of stars)

Dropping down from a Utah sky
Thousands of shining
Pin-pricks of light below
Tracing in flights of geometry
Meaning into the desert rocks
`We shall overcome', they chant
In chorus

Playing cavemen in a lost eyrie
In a cleft unsought, untouched by Time
Billions of lamps fill an endless void
Silent. They have no stories to tell
The night resounds with their silent shrieking
`Forty-two', the stars are screaming
`Forty-two!'

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Happy Birthday, John Galt

Every year, at around this time, some Left-leaning intellectual stands up, strokes his beard and proclaims annoyingly, `Gandhi was right. Small is beautiful.' It has become somewhat passe, in recent memory, to take Gandhi's socio-economic views too seriously. Even as globalization putatively improves the standards of living of vast swathes of the erstwhile rural population, it would be a foolish voice indeed that would call out materialism in both its capitalistic and dialectic forms for the canard that Gandhi saw it to be. The mad preacher's birthday takes on special poignancy this year in the wake of the carnage underway in the world's financial system. This panic, we must remember, has been caused for no other reason than bankers refusing to trust other bankers because other bankers were not trusting them because the tangled web of lies called leverage was getting too big to keep tossing around. Workers keep working, factories keep churning, the sun keeps shining, but the wheels of capitalism seem to have gone off the rails, as they seem to do once every decade.

And nowhere is the scene more poignant than in my present adopted land, the glorious land of the free and the home of the brave, who go about bombing people's countries to smithereens anytime they get frightened by monsters under their bed. Familiar monsters too - oil supply, the currency of oil-trade, the cost of sustaining economic growth indefinitely or appearing to do so. The American entrepreneurs' faith in the strength of capitalism is almost touching to observe. As the days of Peak Oil - the irreversible decline in the supply of oil worldwide - come upon us, and as the economy of the country that uses a fourth of the oil in the world sputters, the brave thinkers exclaim, `In every crisis there is an opportunity. We will set up new sectors in our economy - renewable energy, CO2 sequestering, bio-chemo-physico-artistico-nano-technology. The American dream will simply take on a newer shape, as it has always done.' And yet, for all the bravado of the maintainers of the status quo of economic productivity, a refreshing breath of change is sweeping through this land, for while the plutocracy is ever a slave to its own interests here, there are large sections of the general public in the US that constitute without a doubt the most open-minded and intelligent of all the cultures in the world.

Hence, there is a deepening interest in building up economic systems based on survivability and sustainability rather than economies of scale. The organic farming movement may be considered a vanguard in disguise for this change. As the standard of living in the US has reached a gentle asymptote and begun declining over the past couple of decades, the advent of the internet economy has broken the old paradigm of the necessity for hierarchy in production. Intellectuals and forward-thinkers here are increasingly pondering the future and finding that it lies in sustainable semi-rural communities, with a minimum of industrial production and great administrative autonomy. And even as my fellow NRIs flock into this golden land, eager to print professional degrees, mint money and date blonde women, there is a gradual but perceptible shift one finds in the American ethos: away from the alienation of a professional middle class existence and towards a richer and more meaningful life premised on community and small-scale industry. As the internet destroys physical and cultural barriers in communication, and becomes a viable medium for dissemination of creative output, programmers, artists, journalists, authors , musicians etc. no longer need hierarchies to eke out a comfortable existence. The old assumptions do not hold any more in an era that is gradually progressing towards post-scarcity; government and industry are no longer needed to maintain peace. The world's citizens are finally growing into their potential for harmonious co-existence.

There was a village where two factions once put up a wall midway through, because the grand gentlemen who stood in front of them and called themselves `leaders' decided that they were especially and solely chosen by the Great Big Chestnut Tree to lead their followers (and no others!) to a glorious future. Once the wall was put up, both sides had to try to raise it higher to keep the other side from looking over to see what they were doing. So, they told some of the people who had been quietly minding their own business to stop minding their own business and take shifts in building up the wall. While one faction decided to do so by promising to give them a lot of things they did not need, the other one persuaded them by preaching to them the value of honest self-subservience and submissive labor at the behest of authority. The walls have risen higher, but we are now running out of bricks. And even as we do, the villagers are realizing the wisdom of what an old fool had told them long ago. That there is no real need to build walls, only fences for corn-fields and ditches for water. That professionalism is but a euphemism for slavery and that individual freedom and symbolic group identities are incompatible.

That Gandhi was right. That small is beautiful.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Menaka

I see your form, O Tejaswini!
As a golden fawn sipping
From the stream of Life
That flows eternal
Through the Forest's heart

Ever I desire to pass lightly on
To see, smile and praise
The beauty of the Forest
That dances beneath
Your gently undulating feet

Yet all roads I take today lead me
Away from visions of eternity
In search of your shadow
An exquisite trap indeed
Spun with the very fabric of the Sun

Your face with its mantle of hair
Speaks of rain-laden clouds
Yet walking in the rain
Vainly I seek your face
In vain transports of longing

`Leave your arid cave, O sadhu!
Behold my graceful splendor
As I dance with my eyes
In youth's sunlight,
In deep and secret glades'

Menaka! Menaka! The Forest is aflame
In the throes of my passion
The winds of your beauty
Fan it to a mighty blaze
As it consumes all my tranquility


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

An exercise in brevity

A rather prosy haiku, but an efficient way of storing a nice memory. I never use cameras, pestilential contraptions.

Geneva, midnight
Surreptitious skinny-dip
Damn Swiss police

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Prem Paash

My my, look at me go. Devanagari script thanks to this splendid applet.

प्रेम-पाश

ऐसे तो टकटकी लगा कर राह नहीं देखें हम तेरी
नहीं सोचते, याद न करते पूर्व प्रसंगों की हम बेड़ी
पर कुछ दिन दुष्वार जो लगते, पत्थर दिखती है जब मूरत
बहुत चाहने पर भी मिटती नहीं है मन से तेरी सूरत

विस्मयकारी वचन हैं तेरे, समझ-बूझ का नाम न जिनमें
मनो-बुद्धि-अहँकार को त्रप्ति पुनः पुनः मिलती पर उनमें
ब्रह्म-ज्ञान की आकाँक्षा में कहाँ तो पूजा-ध्यान करूं मैं
कहाँ तुझे प्रिय मान तेरी हठधर्मिता का गुणगान करूं मैं

मनः-स्थैर्य की महिमा ऐसी, नहीं विषम अवसाद हैं उठते
पर ऐसा नहीं झुरमुट यह कि प्रेम के सारे दीप ही बुझते
परिस्थितियाँ ऐसी कुछ बनतीं, देखते सारे देव हैं हँसते
अखंड-तपस् के उत्साही के मन में क्या-क्या स्वप्न हैं बसते

काम-रोग-आघात नहीं यह, नहीं कवि का दिवा-स्वप्न-रस
अग्नि-मार्ग पर चलने वालों का है कार्मिक असमंजस बस
कभी-कभी ही क्षीण है होती कल्प-माल के जाप की मेधा
ऐसे ही क्षण में उठती है सन्यासी के मन में दुविधा

प्रेम-पाश से मुक्ति कहाँ है, सर्वोपरि सी इसकी क्षमता
पर द्रढ़-निश्चय-प्रत्याहार पर नहीं है उसका सिक्का जमता
ज्ञानी वही जो ऐसी अपनी प्रेम-रुचि से नहीं है डरता
द्दंदों को आवर्णित कर इन कठिन क्षणों को पार है करता


Transliterated as:

Prem Pash

Aise to taktaki laga kar raah nahin dekhein hum teri

Nahin sochte, yaad na karte poorv prasango ki hum beri
Par kuchh din dushvar jo lagte, patthar dikhti hai jab murat
Bahut chahne par bhi mitti nahin hai man se teri soorat

Vismaykari vachan hain tere, samajh boojh ka naam na jinme
Mano buddhi ahamkara ko tripti punah punah par milti unme
Brahma gyan ki akanksha mein kahan to pooja path karoon main
Kahan tujhe priy maan teri hathdharmita ka gungaan karoon main

Manah sthairya ki mahima aisi, nahin visham avsad hain uthte
Par aisa nahi jhurmut yeh ki prem ke saare deep bhi bujhte
Paristhitiyan aisi kuchh banti, dekh ke saare dev hain haste
Akhand tapas ke utsaahi ke man me kya kya swapn hain baste

Kama rog aaghat nahin yeh, nahin kavi ka diwaswapn ras
Agni marga par chalne wale ka hai karmik asmanjas bas
Kabhi kabhi hi ksheen hai hoti kalpmal ke jaap ki medha
Aise hi kshan mein uthti hai sannyasi ke man mein duvidha

Prem paash se mukti kahan hai, sarvopari si uski kshamta
Par dridha nishchay pratyahara par nahin hai uska sikka jamta
Gyani wahi jo aisi apni prem ruchi se nahin hai darta
Chhandon ko aavaranit kar in kathin kshanon ko par hai karta

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Maya

Whither your artifice tonight, O temptress!
In the deepest hour of night I have risen
To find you sprawled in torpid slumber
Hogging the sheets, as always

Voluptuous you are, for that is your Form
Skilled are your limbs in all arts of Love
Numberless evenings of sorrow turn to nights of delight
As deeply I have felt you, caressing your name

Came I to your boudoir when scarce a youth
Bare chance had I of eluding your lure
Not much I knew of the ways of the world
Knowing you, I sought to grow in wisdom

Grown have I in virility and power and strength
Our nights should have been lurid beyond reason
Yet I wake upon a stone floor at midnight and write
While you nestle in the cushions of your plush divan

No more do I love you, well you know this
But not through egregious folly on your part
Beyond you there is no pleasure, well I know this
Since you alone hold the keys to the doors of my heart

But we've been through this before
I fleeing, you pursuing, ever complacent
For wherever I flee, I end up seeking you out
In different clothes perhaps, a shade younger no doubt

And in the passage of time, in the dark watches of night
All my new lovers metamorphose as I sleep
Back into you, as rivers into the ocean
For you are all I have loved, and will ever love

Jealous you have been of our pleasant young son
Moksha his name, curly rings in his hair
Ever does he smile, and is gracious with all
Long hours I spend meditating on his thought

Fear not, my queen, not your rival is he
Though my waking hours seem at times
To be but endless soliloquies in his praise
I seek not to know him as I have known you

It is not in my nature to bear him that love
Or seek to find pleasure in knowing him well
Calm are his thoughts; with simple truth they are blessed
Happily in his company much time do I spend

Yet he is a mere stripling, innocent and naive
And often I must walk roads, with or without you
That he is too young and blissful to see
Or understand if he saw them, as sometimes he does

I know there is pleasure yet that waits at my call
Nudging you awake for drowsy love best of all
As arbiter of passions, you have no rivals to fear
It is simply that beyond passion some silence I crave

I am a creature of the forest, the scents and the trees
I rise to see the sun, and hear the birds and the breeze
Long have your charms convinced me to be where you are
Amidst curtains of gold and petticoats of plenitude

But ever my thought strains to break loose
And travel along strange roads to the stars
To grow out of old familiar forms and shapes
And to span the universe from end to end

No longer will I flee, as one who feels pain
Yet leave I must, lest my spirit slowly wane
This house of my body holds all that I held dear
And must cherish a while longer, while I prepare

The purpose flight serves is to stumble and fall
Draw up new steps and draw in ragged breath
Take up tenancy in halls new and bright
Find you sleeping beside me as I wake up one night

So now, I bide my time as I work on my plan
To nourish mind and body, with the ego withdrawn
I will not take my leave, till you bid me depart
When you see that our roads lie irretrievably apart

A wooden staff I am shaping to walk with me then
A begging bowl for provender the Spirit may cast
I dream every night of the road under stars
A small, upright figure upon it, blissful at last.




Sunday, August 17, 2008

Love, romance and the sadhaka

I am sad today. Not sad in a bad way, mind you. Sad in a way, though, as I have not been in quite some time. My meditative practice is acquiring a desirable regularity to accompany the vigor that characterizes most things I do. My worldly affairs, insofar as they concern only me, are following a trajectory that should see most of my ambitions resolved and my questions unasked in a few more years. And now I find that the orientation of my spiritual axis mundi is not quite as perfect as I have been hoping it would be.

As children, before the discriminatory intellect becomes operational, we all acquire various desires through our dealings with physical and mental reality on a cost-benefit basis. These may be understood as individual voices in the symphony of one's existence. The purpose of the aspirant to self-realization is to gradually bring these voices to resolution in the appropriate tonic key. Thus, for example, there exists the voice of intellectual ambition which demands a certain level of dexterity in manipulating abstractions before it may be satiated. Similarly, there is the voice of social assimilation, which seeks a degree of parochial acclaim in various social contexts before it may be rendered quiescent. There are voices of envy, voices of hate, voices that plead and voices that resonate.

The greatest wisdom lies in not creating too many of these voices, so that shutting down the ones that exist may be accomplished facilely and at an early date, while the body and the mind of the sadhaka retain sufficient youth to be able to acquire the intense discipline and austerity that is required to walk the path of fire and light. However, once these voices have been created, attempting to ignore them, suppress them, or stamp them out inelegantly (resolving to the tonic too soon, for instance) will lead to instability of purpose which will manifest itself outwardly as hypocrisy and inconsistency. I think there is some reason to believe that intercession by the gurutattva might help matters somewhat, but I am not convinced that this is indeed the case.

Where this matter acquires a personal flavor for me is in the realization, which came to me yesterday, that one of the strongest voices in my own symphony of existence is the one that seeks to love a quiet, thoughtful and whimsical woman and have that love returned. It is moderately interesting to trace the source of this circumstance: a significantly passionate nature , exposure to all kinds of romantic literature as a child, growing up in a middle-class ethos far removed from any pretensions to detachment and spirituality, and strongly mutually affectionate parents.

However, this is not a happy situation for the humble sadhaka. As long as the music concerns oneself entirely, there is some measure of temporal control that the sadhaka believes he possesses in the evolution of his spiritual trajectory. But when a voice that forms part of the music, and a very strong and important one at that, requires the participation of another person, a seemingly insurmountable obstacle arises. It is hard enough to deal with the desires and motivations of one person and sublimate them. Add another cook to the mix, and the resulting broth does not seem to stand much of a chance of gastronomical success.

This obstacle is rendered even more intractable by various existing social mores that hold the relationship between a man and a woman - `love' for short - to be a desirable end in itself, and worthy of aspiration and preservation in perpetuity. It is difficult for me to empathize with this view. It is a set of subconscious urges that create the desire for love, not any intrinsic characteristics of the reality that is Brahman. It is disconcerting and somewhat nihilistic to espouse this view, since it just so happens that the very act of creation in humans correlates strongly with a manifestation of love, and the act of bearing children is premised entirely on the belief that the love is meaningful and will last as long as the bodies do. Nevertheless, realizing and understanding the epi-phenomenal nature of human aspirations motivated by love is a necessary component of a sadhaka's evolution.

Unless strong and sustained efforts at detachment are made in the aspirant's early childhood (which might be the case if the parents are puritanical, self-disciplined or religious in nature), these latent desires will exist and voice their dissatisfaction at the aspirant's continual efforts to disenfranchise them in the course of his mental and physical activity.

I have been feeling a mild sense of jubilation in the recent past through believing that I have finally acquired an appropriate level of control over my libido and have established myself in the practice of brahmacharya, which is so universally lauded as the foundation of spiritual attainment. And yet, it took little more than an unexpected dinner date, free-flowing intelligent conversation, the sight of ringlets of brown hair glistening in the sun, and some subsequent introspection for me to realize how deeply the song of love is embedded in my psyche, and how plaintive and yearning the current mood of its melody really is, notwithstanding my rather successful efforts to ignore it.

The yearning, I fear, is a consequence of the fact that I had the opportunity, some time ago, to resolve this melody, foolishly lost perspective and tried to perpetuate it meaninglessly, and ended up in a state of spiritual apathy and emotional agony as a result. Having replenished my spiritual reserves over the past year or so, I had consciously lost sight of this aspect of my personality, but am now confronted with this past spiritual failure of mine at a time when I feel that I am making substantial progress.

There can be no success in brahmacharya, while the desire for love remains unfulfilled. The physical desire may be controlled, perhaps even controlled in perpetuity, but it will not be extinguished save by great labor by persistently starving the subconscious mind by, in turn, shielding the conscious mind from stimuli that might set off thoughts of love. My sadness is in part a consequence of my realization of the long road that lies ahead, before the subconscious is completely purged, and the throbbing of Turiya is the only music that remains.

I shudder at the thought that the road to Silence of this identity might yet intersect with the karmic trajectory of another. I feel somewhat irritated, `Why must the road be so tortuous and loopy?' and I wonder at the strength of my commitment to the spiritual path, when such a strong desire for womanly affection burns untrammeled in the subconscious. Worse yet, I find that I am not categorically opposed to it. At this stage, I feel I have developed sufficient willpower to turn my mind away and retrieve my equanimity. That is indeed what I am doing in practice. Yet I see clearly that my repudiation of the desire for love is not as complete or honest as my repudiation of most other matters of worldly significance.

However, I take some consolation in the knowledge that the snake that is clearly perceived is a snake that may be safely dealt with, and I hope and pray that my desire for perceiving undifferentiated consciousness is as pure, intense and unalloyed as it appears to be when I don't have two bright gray eyes smiling at me across a table.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Kundalini Rising


Body heat and sweat right after 25 km run, none
Resemblance of mental state with that right after waking, substantial.
Difference between physical world and dream world, negligible.

Perceptive ability for flowers and wind, intense
Perceptive ability for everything else, ambiguous
Thought, emotion and endorphins, absent

Tingling sensation in middle of back
Ringing noises in crown of head.
Sole burning desire, silence.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

The necessity of solitude in meditation


During the course of this summer, CWI having graciously provided me with spacious and commodious accommodation, I have been conducting an experiment of sorts on the effect of socializing on meditative practice. The problem is as follows: since the final state of meditative repose lies in a realization of the illusionary nature of physical and conceptual partitioning, and whereas progress in meditative awareness is measured quite accurately by the relative subjugation of the identifying principle - the Ego, there seems to be a logical inconsistency in requiring the aspirant to isolate his body and related appurtenances from the rest of perceived reality. The definition of solitude, in essence, seems rather arbitrary and ad hoc. Fundamentally, this problem arises as a consequence of a deeper question: what is the relationship between the Whole and the Individual. What is so special about the Individual? What properties of the Whole cause the Individual to exist in the Singular, not in the Dual, nor even in the Plural?

Philosophical answers to several of these statements appear to leap immediately to mind. However, today, I wish to collate the empirical evidence that my experiment has accumulated. We may be able to discuss their implications in the context of the metaphysical a priori answers that tradition and logic tend to present. A brief word regarding the methodology: being in possession of an apartment with a double bed and a spacious living room, I have, for the past month and a half, offered my living space freely to any and all travelers visiting Amsterdam and desiring to spend their hours of rest and leisure in less alien surroundings than the insides of hotels. My efforts are aided and abetted by a splendid social networking site called Couchsurfing which I joined a couple of years ago. Thus, it has so transpired that my little apartment has taken on the shape and form of a caravanserai of sorts, with lots of young artists, nomads and other self-actualizing individuals passing through the doorway in either direction each and every day. I don't think I've had the apartment to myself on more than five days, of all the time I have spent here.

My experiment has consisted of seeing how much or how little my practice and daily routine have to diverge in order to accommodate other people's wishes, people of various proclivities and temperaments, people of several desires and motivations. The results are quite striking, and quite distinctive. Setting the statistical question of sample size aside (though N ~ 40), I think it is fair to say that most people who reported positive experiences and enjoyed their stay were single young males, while most people who reported negative experiences were attached young males and/or their girlfriends. Single women appeared to not enjoy their time too much, but the sample size for this demographic group is not sufficiently large to draw statistically significant conclusions.

From a qualitative point of view, visitors who enjoyed their time here found the conversations interesting, the sense of calm around the place invigorating and refreshing, and the logistical freedom afforded by an unlatched door and open refrigerator extremely useful. Visitors who did not enjoy their stay found me rude and callous in conversation, the atmosphere in the flat boring and the open door policy annoying and creepy.

From my own perspective, it was refreshing for me to find that my practice proceeded quite smoothly independent of the identity of my guests and their sentiments towards their hosts. A couple of minor points that were of interest follow.
  1. Regarding the question of fidelity of practice, it was found that prolonged conversation acts as a debilitating influence on pranayama. The breath seems much weaker and less inclined to fill the chest cavity as completely the morning after a long evening of philosophical discussion.
  2. The Ego is as slippery and slithery a snake as one could ever hope to find. It is always an interesting exercise to exorcise elements of pleasure in hearing compliments paid to one's way of living. The discriminatory intellect gets lots of vigorous exercise in neutering the extremely creative feints of the Ego during the course of my conversations with my visitors.

This latter point, as a matter of fact, ties in with a more general observation in that positive social interactions seemed to affect meditative practice negatively while negative social interactions seemed to have no significant effect. From the point of view of social harmony and social utility theory, this is not an optimistic result. However, it is quite easy to see why this should indeed be the case. The mind seeks attachment, and attachment is generally a consequence of affirmative experience. Thus, positive social interaction results in the generation of large quantities of stimuli that the mind can attach itself to and grow in volume.

The yogi's task is to starve the mind and feed it deconstructionist versions of material reality, so that its moorings to the affairs of the physical universe may be detached gradually. Friendly conversations appear to proffer dangerous food for the mind to devour greedily and resume its noisy perturbations of the unconscious mind. Negative social interactions, on the other hand, cause the mind to flee inwards and gratefully accept the disassociativity that meditation provides. Thus, perversely from the perspective of the social contract, negative social interactions and social alienation appear to play into the yogi's strategy.

This brings us to the original problem. Can the practitioner be said to be correct in soliciting negative interactions with society to force the mind into subjugation? Intriguingly enough, this is precisely what aghoris and tantric practitioners recommend. An aghori will believe that the subjugation of the mind under control of his identity is worth the temporary discomfiture of the minds under control of other identities, minds which do not propose or desire to be starved at any rate. It is possible also, that the aghori believes that his behavior will stimulate thoughts of depersonalization and disassociation in his correspondents in the aftermath just as well, in which case, his behavior is actually extremely positive, since it motivates his social acquaintances to question the premises of physical existence too.

The greatest joy of writing is that there are times when clarity emerges as a consequence of the process. I did not see this aspect of the schizoid coldness that must naturally develop in a yogi's interactions with the world, but now I see that it is possibly of some social value. The archetype of the spiritual guru, with shining bright eyes and a benevolent message for all of humanity, seems extremely unreal and delusional to me. I am sure that that is precisely the mental posture that a therapist or a healer should adopt, since their mission is to bring psychological comfort to those who need it. But therapy ought not to be confused with the process of self-contemplation. There is always a tenuous link between meditative practice and social utility. Attempting to burnish it using tokens of religious or psychotherapeutic value might bring more social relevance to the system, but is a losing proposition in the longer term, since it will draw several into the practice in pursuit of tangential goals (freedom from stress, social welfare, peace and good will etc).

I now understand and appreciate better, accounts of the temper tantrums and socially unacceptable behavior in the lives of accomplished seekers. While I do not see myself succumbing to temper under any circumstance, I think that is primarily a consequence of my negligible spiritual standing. That is, I am not as yet firmly established in my practice enough to require anger towards infringers upon my daily routine to sustain it. For now, if one my guests is too noisy for me to keep track of the ticks of the clock during pranayama, I will simply stop and let him do what he is doing and start over. I can do so, because I merely have to count up to 48 seconds at any one time. More accomplished practitioners, who have to track thousands of seconds of breath suspension are unlikely to be as stoic if some ill-fated tresspasser broke in upon their silence.

In conclusion then, I find that my desire for solitude is understandable from the perspective of meditative practice. Solitude does not only mean the absence of other people, it also means absence from the desires and complaints of the body and mind. The performance of asanas is an effort at acquiring physical solitude, the performance of pranayama is a means towards acquiring freedom from the processes required in the ingress and egress of breathing, the performance of trataka and similar practices is aimed at sustaining mental solitude for long periods of time. And growing a long beard and ignoring basic social protocol is a good way of obtaining and sustaining social solitude and being free to contemplate Brahman and its manifestation (Hiranyagarbha) and the evolution of its manifestation (quantum mechanics) in peace.


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Is progress in meditation P or NP?

In a whimsical sort of way, I have been evaluating my own progress in meditative self-awareness and attempting to generalize how the process proceeds for everybody else. While the pace of progress depends on several factors - intensity, geographical location, weather, existential circumstances being some of the more important ones - I am intrigued by the following question: is the computational process involved P or NP?

In this short note, I attempt to clarify what I mean by progress in meditative self-awareness. Also, I explain what I mean by computation in this context. This shall hopefully serve as a conceptual framework for future writings that attempt to describe subtler aspects of the spiritual journey. Taking up the question of progress first, it is necessary to define the ideal towards which progress may be made. It is quite evident to me now, in the light of recent developments, that the inner well of undifferentiated consciousness does exist, is as formidable and transcendent as the best descriptions that claim to do it no justice, and is attainable by any person of sound mind and body with a moderate amount of effort. To fine-tune the physical and mental body to be able to sustain the level of concentration necessary to sustain the awareness of this reality seems to be the purpose of all meditative practice.

This effort, however, has to be multi-pronged. Physical fitness is essential, since it is necessary to be able to sit in a compact, balanced position for long durations of time (three hours at least, is the traditional view). Mental calmness is necessary, since the activities of the mind must die down of their own accord when gently nudged to do so (this can take years of patient effort, but becomes second nature in time). Mental vigor is equally necessary, if hallucinatory experiences and auto-suggestive behavior are to be avoided. An intellectual life, a profession that deals with the manipulation of abstract symbols, is ideal to fulfil this purpose.

But it is not only these affirmative aspects of daily living that form part of the preparation. Had these been all, meditative progress would have been in P, since polynomially many trials in the number of relevant parameters (provided they had been identified), would guarantee a monotone approach to the solution (the more you practice, the closer you get). Unhappily, there are other, less stable aspects of the human personality that also need consideration.

The abnegation of passion is the most controversial and least likable aspect of spiritual practice. For me personally, since I have an intensely passionate nature, this has always been a great source of dissatisfaction and discomfiture, not to mention depression. There are several occasions upon which, the path of fire and light appears to be one of smoke and dust, with nothing to recommend it and no logical justification save masochistic self-delusion. Such thought, indeed, has occupied several debilitating hours of my time. Yet, the gradual removal of the fuel that fires the Ego is an extremely essential step on the road to the Godhead.

This process is two-pronged and can be excruciatingly long. The first stage, which some find easy, and some find impossible, consists of conscious mortification of the passionate aspects of one's personality. Austere living and regulation of food, sleep and libido, when inseparable parts of one's daily life, quickly bring about the consummation of this phase for those who are inclined towards the idea of self-awareness. There are, however, several reversions, and most of these are brought about by a revulsion towards the aridity that these austerities cultivate, and which contrasts in such an unflattering manner to the simple pleasures of material existence. This is because there still remains subtle unconscious fuel to feed the Ego - latent desire and inclinations that lie seated deep in the sub-conscious mind and shape an individual's personality. It might appear strange and, in fact, pathological, to speak of the dilution of one's personality, but that is precisely what the second stage of self-abnegation entails. The process here is not one of conscious flaw-detection and fixing; the sub-conscious, by definition lies outside the purview of the conscious mind, however nobly inclined.

One of the most wonderful inventions of the creative human intellect is the mathematical realm of optimization. The philosophical idea is simple: even if you do not know what to do to individual elements of a process domain, if it is possible to define a concept of `utility' in its space, and if this utility function is not completely random in its behavior, then it is possible, with a limited number of trials, to find a point (or trajectory) in the process space that has the greatest utility.

This diversion into mathematical jargon becomes meaningful when one realizes that this is precisely the mechanism whereby the conscious mind can exercise some measure of control over the sub-conscious, even if it cannot manipulate it directly. The sub-conscious trains itself by a process of Hebbian reinforcement - it hangs on to things it likes, and attempts to stay away from things it does not like. Since the definition of likes and dislikes changes over time, is activated at a very early age at which time it is often the dominant discriminatory framework, the sub-conscious mind is often somewhat infantile, anachronistic and chaotic in its operation and expression. Properly channeled, it is the seat of all creativity. Improperly channeled, it is the source of bipolar behavior, psychoses and other unpleasant mental states, descriptions of which litter the psychological literature.

To set this menagerie into some sort of order, the conscious mind can do nothing better than make repeated trials, bearing in mind the utility function it seeks to optimize - freedom from sub-conscious urges, liberation from imperfections of prior perceptions and tranquility and clarity in normal thought. In general, one would presume that this problem is NP, or worse. It seems unlikely, given the enormous variability of the conceptual space that may serve as an abstract model for the sub-conscious, that a polynomial number of trials will be sufficient to provably find the optimal solution. It is not even certain whether an exponential number of trials will suffice, although the finite depth of the branching tree process of perception suggests that this is likely to be the case.

We are now finally in a position to make our second definition, as promised earlier. Computation, in the context of spiritual practice, may be defined as trials that the conscious mind, which has no sense of utility, imposes upon the sub-conscious, which is the seat of perception and utility, but has no logical, or even probabilistic underpinnings. Strictly speaking, it is erroneous to speak of computation complexity in this context since this process is not Turing-emulable in real-time. This can be easily seen since multiple trials may proceed simultaneously, and no utility function values may be returned for long periods of time. However, the metaphor speaks powerfully to the underlying elegance of the task, so we cock a snook at tradition and persist with it.

I have thus described, as promised earlier, the two concepts that allow me to pose the somewhat silly question: is progress in meditation P or NP? I cannot claim that I have the answer yet. Subsequent writings will explore various aspects of the problem, and I have some hope that the answer will be found.

I feel the desire to describe the difference between unsupervised learning and learning from exemplars in this framework, but I feel the certitude of meditative tranquility fading, being replaced steadily by the doubt that characterizes (and should characterize, in my opinion) the aspirant's earthly existence. I conclude for the present then, and will take up this thread anon when the Gurutattva moves me again.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Joy! Joy! Eternal Bliss!


Fickle song, come back. Don't flee from me
Let all hear of the joy I feel

If the stripe of the great sky river were a string
It would sound shrill to this somber thrum
All worlds colliding with all worlds that have been
Pale to the sound of this Cosmic drum

The weakest harmonics of the Turiya state
Fill my heart with tremendous joy
The Guru fills my soul with bliss;
Like a balloon.

She fills and fills with a roguish smile
She laughs as I gaze at her resplendent face
Awareness swells, an anchored boat in the tide
Casts off moorings to reality, and roams

How I have sought you in life and in sleep
In hours of meditations I have chased you
In countless days of thought I have yearned
To see beyond the veil that you have ever drawn

I still see no more than I have ever seen
But the eye inside needs see no more
I hear, louder than the sounds of the world
The beating of Turiya, the Cosmic drum

Brighter than the splendor of a billion suns
Is the power that lies behind this Door
Once past, I shall no longer be
This coil, in bliss, shall tinker on

But happy fate, it falls to the mortal coil
To squirm in joy at the gates of Void
I thrill, my hair stands all on end
As I wait for Word from the voiceless Voice.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Andheri Madhushala - I

It generally is considered somewhat poor form for a poet to express satisfaction and joy at one of his creations, the ideal being one of stern service to one's muse and proferment of the fruits of one's toil to society in a detached and brooding manner. I must confess, though, that its been a long time (more than four years) since I have felt so pleased at having expressed my innermost feelings in such a facile and fluent manner.

Unfortunately, it might not mean much to audiences unfamiliar with the original `Madhushala' and the allegorical story it weaves of existential dilemmas and their resolution. The construction is also inspired , in a large part, by the beautiful `Dark Night of the Soul' by St John on the Cross.

At any rate, I am delighted to read and reread it, and I offer to the world the first part of `Andheri Madhushala' with a caper and a flourish. The cadence is the same as that in the recitation of the original by Bachchan.


Path the bahut visham par akhir aa madiralay hum baithe
`Saki, pila ek jaam, bahut hai pyaas', hum aise hee ainthe
Par na dikhe saki ki soorat, na laute goonj deewaron se
Madiralay me to hain, ab kya? poochein hum bicchadi rahon se

Hum madiralay mein baithe, soche the bas ab kya karna
Pahunch gaye madhu-dwar, to bheeshan dhoop se akhir kya darna
Khush the hum akhir dhoomil hoangie avsadit yaadein bhi
Madhu ke pyaalon mein tar hoange saare farz-o-vaade bhi

Rahe madiralay me kuchh din, par dikhi nahin saki humko
Hone lage hatash, ki madira mile nahin hum jaison ko
Saki ka deedar to chhorein, boond mili na madira ki
Hala nahin to pani pee, kahein baki peenewale bhi

Ha, pyale! Tu kya jaane, madira kya khel khilati hai
Tarpa jitna vihval kartee, utna hi pyaas badhaati hai
Mit gayein hain ab sab khwab, hoor si saki hala layegi
Baithein hain mala japte bas, kabhi to madhushala aayegi


Update (Sep 04, 2008)
To my deep satisfaction, I found a neat little applet that allows one to write in Devanagari on the screen. Transliterations are always sad ; they seem to lack an indefinable sense of vigor, as a plant would when transplanted from its native land. Here is the piece, the way it should be

अँधेरी मधुशाला

पथ थे बहुत विषम पर आखिर आ मदिरालय हम बैठे
`साकी! पिला एक जाम बहुत है प्यास', हम ऐसे ही ऐंठे
पर न दिखे साकी की सूरत, न लौटे गूँज दीवारों से
`मदिरालय में तो हैं, अब क्या?',पूछें हम बिछड़ी राहों से

हम मदिरालय में बैठे, सोचे थे बस अब क्या करना
पहुँच गये मधु-द्वार तो भीषण धूप से आखिर क्या डरना
खुश थे हम आखिर धूमिल होंगी अवसादित यादें भी
मधु के प्यालों में तर होंगे सारे फ़र्ज़-अो-वादे भी

रहे मदिरालय में कुछ दिन पर दिखी नहीं साकी हमको
होने लगे हताश कि मदिरा मिले नहीं हम जैसों को
साकी का दीदार तो छोड़ें, बूँद मिली न मदिरा की
हाला नहीं तो पानी पी, कहते सब पीनेवाले भी

हा प्याले! तू क्या जाने, मदिरा क्या खेल खिलाती है
तड़पा जितना विह्वल करती, उतना ही प्यास बढ़ाती है
मिट गये हैं अब सब ख़्वाब, हूर सी साकी हाला लायेगी
बैठे हैं माला जपते बस, कभी तो मधुशाला आयेगी

Saturday, May 10, 2008

The Mississippi

The river flows and I run beside it
An unmoving witness to my motion
The river flows and I stand beside it
A moving witness to my silence

The river; she sings of vagabondage
Of finding love in distant lands
Of rounded pebbles and alluvial flows
And cycles of birth on either shore

The river sings with a cadence ineffable
Of the tranquility of a roving life
The river soothes this oft querulous child
And a rover I know sings back to her

`Vasudhaiva kutumbakam', she murmurs
`Vasudhaiva kutumbakam', I concur
I open my heart to the universe
The universe opens its mind to me.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Blues for Chennai


'thaalaattudhae vaanam'

This is a Tamil phrase that has stuck in my memory from the time a very dear friend of mine first translated it for me more than two years ago. On that day, I knew that I would write a song that drew on it some day. Two years on, it finally came to me.

The literal translation of the original phrase, of course, is `the sky is the cradle', and the actual context is some sort of sappy love song, but I don't let that bother me overmuch - a poet has the license to frill.

The ocean is my parchment
Here all my stories lie
This little boat serves as my quill
Scrawling letters swirling by

Zenith is my blue inkwell
Flecked with little tufts of cloud
The winds of muse and memory
Sing all my thoughts out loud

But there is something curious
In the songs that I can play
My pen will mark my paper only
If either is murky gray

When the shadows of time passing
Brood deep upon the swell
Or somber clouds of sorrow
Tinge the ink in my deep well

Then songs there are a-plenty
Of fortitude and strength
Perchance, of new wisdom found
On winding roads towards the end.

When the ocean, wellspring of action
Is pellucid, calm and clear
When the firmament, deep azure
Reflects a spirit free of fear

I rock my boat to sing quatrains
of Joy and tranquil staves
The words, they have no meaning
They vanish in the shifting waves

When blue meets blue serenity
And irrevocably unites
There is no thought, no word
To speak of that Delight

And that, my friend is the reason
Why my words are oft sad and bland
And songs, the ones that find those words
Walk on lonely beaches in the sand



In twilight
And under starlit skies.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Short Tales of the Giant Forest

When I was about eight, my grandparents brought me a gigantic and profusely illustrated book on `America's National Parks'. As a consequence, several of my childhood fantasies had for their setting the russet tinged backdrop of the Sierra Nevada. Also, one of my first general knowledge books was yet another large volume called `The Big Book of Questions and Answers'. The most intriguing image in this book was a photograph of two extremely large tree stems, with a man and a car underneath. It was captioned, `Do red giants really exist?'.

To go to the Sequoia forest and pay homage to the red giants, thus, is a task that I have looked forward to for more than 16 years. Since I am spending three weeks in Mountain View CA, it was a foregone conclusion that one of the weekends would be set aside for this excursion. However, this Thursday, I found that through the machinations of fate, the next couple of weekends would be unsuitable for the purpose. Friday was a deadline day at the company I am consulting, and I could not get away from work till 8 in the evening.

The scene shifts to Saturday morning, and the inevitable mental tussle. Is it better to brave the slings and arrows of 700 miles in a two day time frame? Or is it better to sleep, perchance to dream? Thankfully, the forces of ennui met with a temporary setback, allowing me to sally forth in pursuit of an appropriate steed for my journey.

As luck would have it, my corporate contacts carry some weight at the rental agency, which allowed me to upgrade for free to a Toyota Prius. I shall, at a later point in the narrative, gush exuberantly about the several excellent qualities of this marvel of engineering. For now, it should suffice to say that by noon on Saturday, no obstacles remained to impede my departure.

Setting out forthwith in the afternoon sun, I made good time on Hwy 101, heading towards San Jose. It was when I left the highway to venture upon the CA152 that the instructive portion of my journey can be said to have begun. Past Fresno, I headed east on the Kings Canyon Road. It was now that I realized that this trip was going to turn out to be rather more fulfilling than I had thought. The vista from the highway was absolutely stunning. In the distance the crags of the Sierra were beginning to make their presence known. The road was surrounded by orange groves on both sides, each tree laden down with its eponymous offspring. The road itself was far from dull, twisting and rolling capriciously, its undulations allowing the electric motor on my Prius to deliver more than its natural bang for my buck.

It pains me to confess that I was completely ignorant of the geography of the parks and their location while setting out. Therefore, I was surprised to find that the road was beginning to climb into the mountains, even as the daylight was beginning to fail. Driving in the mountains, however, is a great joy to me, and as the sunset came upon the day, and even as my ecologically superior conveyance bore me deeper into the heart of the Sierra Nevada, I was conscious of a great sense of pleasure stealing over me. Ahead of me lay the fulfillment of one of my childhood dreams. And even as I drove, I could not but feel pleased at the existential circumstances that were allowing me to make this journey. To be young and vigorous is a blessed state indeed!

As my car climbed into yet another turn, the trees that had heretofore obstructed my view dropped away, and I was confronted with a wondrous sight. I am certain that I have not seen many more bewitching views than the one that I now beheld. I know this, for it made me despair at not possessing a camera to capture it, a sentiment that occurs to me once in a violet moon. In the vaults of my memory, since the age of about 16, there are about a dozen images that I have consciously impressed as memories of a lifetime. My modus operandi for doing so is simply to stare at the vision until I know I will not forget it.

I spent nearly half an hour there, on top of a heap of boulders on the side of the road, staring intensely. Picture if you will, the sun setting into a sea of clouds. Those who travel by air must necessarily know what I mean by a sea of clouds - that turbulent symphony of air and water, so much more creative than its earth-bound cousin. Consider this immense sea of clouds moving and shifting around islands formed by the peaks of hills jutting out above. Lastly, allow yourself, as the observer, a vantage point far above this play of the elements and an almost hemispherical field of vision.

As I gazed intently upon this tapestry of light beams on puffs of vapor, I felt a strong meditative urge taking hold. I resisted it, and I found my mind formulating a question quite clearly, `What is so mystical about mountains? What is so cleansing about Nature? Why do man-made objects not evoke such deep emotion?' I tried to think of the answer, but could not find one that satisfied me. I left the rock in a deeply contemplative state.

I reached the entrance of Kings Canyon at about 6 in the evening, in deepening twilight. I had been keeping my eyes peeled for sequoia sightings, but none had as yet appeared. Now, as I passed into the Park, I saw my first one. I will try and recapitulate as honestly as possible, my mental processes at this juncture.

My first impulse was one of amused disbelief, a fleeting thought that my eyes had deceived me into imagining I had seen something I had wanted to see so much, and that sanity would be restored in short order. When that did not happen, the truth started dawning, in the form of the rhetorical question:"That is a TREE?" When I had slowed down and craned my neck to look at the object under consideration to my satisfaction (if not to that of my vertebrae and following drivers), this was replaced by the thought that has governed my mental botanical picture ever since: "THAT is a tree!". Other specimens of flora now appear ersatz to me in comparison with this godly apparition.

How do I describe a Giant Sequoia to you? Take the tallest, most regal of the eucalypti. Give it the ponderous girth of an old King Banyan tree. Shape its trunk with the geometrical precision typical of the coniferae and also impart to the branches and leaves an arboreal legerdemain characteristic of temperate vegetation. Lastly, impart to this fantastic creature that stolid respectability one would typically accord to a venerable old oak. That, I think, would be a fair approximation of a Giant Sequoia.

As I drove farther into the Park, and saw more Sequoia trees, I gradually became conscious of an uncanny fear. These entities do not belong in the same day and age as I. Looking at these trees made me want to look over my shoulder , lest a velociraptor lavish its attentions upon me. This unreasonable feeling stayed with me all of that evening and was never quite dispelled through the duration of my stay.

My first order of business upon entering this area was to fill up on gas. In hindsight, this was a prudent precaution, since the Park area itself does not have any pumps. At this point, it becomes necessary for me to acquaint you, gentle reader, with some of the topology of the region. Very briefly, there are two National Parks, adjoining each other, that are known for Giant Sequoia groves. One, the one where our story is situated right now, is called the Kings Canyon National Park. The other, which the story shall reach eventually, is called the Sequoia National Park. These two are connected by a road called the Generals Highway which runs for about 20 miles. However, as we shall soon see, this road is blocked up with snow during winter, and wayfarers seeking to get from one park to the other have to take a detour.

However, to return to our story, having filled up on gas, I decided to explore one of the Christian camps in the region, specifically near Hume Lake. My expedition however, rapidly assumed the appearance of an instructional lesson in ice-skating, my shoes, for all their admirable qualities, not finding any traction on the sheet ice. Rendered immobile by the inadequacy of my equipment, I was fortunate to find that the local grocery store provides for such situations in the form of excellent strap-on tracks. With a pair of these on my shoe soles, I was soon skipping around. Unfortunately, my visit with the people of the Book was not very pleasant. They looked with extreme suspicion upon my heathen person, and all the breezy insouciance that I could muster was barely sufficient to allow me some semblance of a dignified departure.

I decided to delay no further, and resolved to fulfill my primary motive of visiting Kings Canyon viz. seeing the General Grant Tree. To do this necessitated driving into the forest for a couple of miles into a clearing and then walking along a trail. I accomplished the first without much difficulty, but was stymied for want of a light source in the case of the second. There would not be much point in walking the trail in pitch darkness and coming home to the ignominy of failing to sight one of the largest living things in the world.

Some details are in order here. The General Grant tree is the second largest (by volume) tree in the world. It is also the thickest Giant Sequoia tree in the world, measuring about 40 feet in diameter at its base, and 124 feet in circumference. The largest tree in the world, the General Sherman, is in the other Park, which I would visit on the morrow. Thus, in this trip, I would have accomplished my purpose of seeing both the largest and the thickest living things in the world. The tallest, for matter of record, is a coast redwood tree called Hyperion, which I would also dearly wish to see. Its location, unfortunately, is kept a secret, to avoid the rush of stampeding tourists. Perhaps one day, I will see it.

For now, being at a bit of a loose end, I had to turn in early for want of something better to do. Having taken the precaution of packing in some of my work, I did some of it by the reading light in the car. Getting ready for bed in the back seat of the car, I checked off all the fascinating things about my situation one by one in my mind. Firstly, I was in a grove of Giant Sequoias, a couple of miles from civilization. Secondly, the night sky was bright with the Milky Way and countless stars. In fact, the last time I had seen so many stars was nearly an year ago, while camping in the Black Forest in Germany, a night that I also will cherish to my dying day. Lastly, squishing myself into the back seat of a Toyota Prius under a greatcoat, looking at the stars out of the window, with the view of the sky blocked at places by the looming hulks of three big Sequoia trees, I was feeling completely at home. All was serene, all was beautiful, sacchidananda.!

Well, I must confess, not completely. I remember that one of my last thoughts before nodding off was:"The sky tonight has a million eyes. What bliss it would be if there were a million and two." But that is a completely different story; one that is unlikely to ever be told.

It is difficult for me, given the lack of reference figures to identify with, to view my living habits with perspective. I think my nomadic existence in the past couple of years has accustomed me to living lawlessly, out of a suitcase and in complete isolation. For example, in Minneapolis, home is my lab cubicle, where I keep two pairs of clothes, a sleeping bag, an acoustic bass and a basketball. That is the span of my worldly possessions, and I intend to keep it that way. Here, in Silicon Valley, where I am working as a contractor for a month, I have a plush rented apartment on company's money, but prefer to just bed down in my office after work. Staying in an apartment, or any private place for that matter, is a skill that I find I now will have to gradually reacquaint myself with. I mention this in order to place my night's roost in the grove of sequoias some perspective. I did not go far from civilization and sleep in the back of a car driven by the spirit of adventure. I did so because that is the most natural thing for me to do.

The rest of the night was uneventful, apart from periodic adjustments of the car thermostat. Waking up at 6 in the morning, I made my way onto the Grant Tree Trail. Snow was six inches to a foot deep in most places, and my snow tracks proved to be worth their weight in gold. I found, to my regret, that I had passed up an opportunity for an adventuresome night's stay the previous night in the form of the Fallen Monarch.

The Fallen Monarch is a fallen Sequoia trunk of historic significance. It was used by Native Indians as a house, and later was used by the U.S. cavalry as a stable for their horses. Had I but known of its existence, I would not have spent the hours of the night twisted up like a pretzel in my car's back seat. Making a note of the fact for my next visit, I proceeded further. There were a couple of other notable trees on this trail, and they were all pretty substantial. Finally, I saw the General Grant.

To my surprise, I was not particularly impressed by the sight. The base was, of course, 40 feet in diameter, but somehow that did not register with me in a manner that would provoke a visceral response. I had been afraid of this - I have long known that the human eye is a poor judge of volume. I can still remember my eyes popping out in surprise in fourth grade, when I found that a cubic meter of water contains a 1000 liters. Still, this was undeniably a giant. He was about 250 feet tall as well, and one could tell that he was taller than his neighbors, because his was the only crest that was bathed in sunlight, while the others were still in shadow. Since I was the first (and only) person on the trail that day, I took the liberty of hopping over the trail fence and paying him a closer visit.

Feeling the warmth under the bark, I finally sensed the emotions that I had expected. The size of this entity was not particularly impressive by the standards of eyes long used to looking at skyscrapers and other large objects. It is with the realization that this gigantic structure is alive and probably conscious to a degree that true awe sets in. I closed my eyes as I felt the bark, and the first thoughts that came to me unbidden were in praise of Vishnu, the preserver.

Sequoia trees grow so big because their wood is resistant to decay. Even the trunks of the trees that have fallen in the last half a millennium or so still dot the landscape. The only way they die is through forest fires or from tipping over for one reason or another. In a world filled with decay and disease, here is one haven where life can smolder slowly and grow inexorably until it reaches the titanic proportions that evoke our awe now. Shiva, the destroyer, always has the last word. But with the skin of this gargantuan being under my fingers, I realized with a sense of tender affection, the incredible creativity of Vishnu - the Supreme Artist. When he is allowed to work his leela - his web of magic, the results are truly breath-taking to behold.

Nothing escapes the Destroyer's all-encompassing gaze. entropy conquers all. And yet, in the subtle gestures of the Preserver, in the hope that the fluctuation theorems bear, Life carries on indomitable. In its battle against such immense cosmic odds lies its splendor. In its persistently impudent refutation of the Universe's penchant towards senselessness lies its immense beauty. Praise for the Preserver flowed from my lips spontaneously and copiously (though I am quite sure not very melodiously!).

Walking around the circumference of the tree, I realized that I had taken all that I could meaningfully take from this place, and that it was time for me to wend my way to the other Park. Since the Generals highway, as mentioned earlier, was blocked up, it was recommended that I drive back to the entrance of Squaw valley 20 miles, then drive 40 more to hit the Hwy 198 and use that to get into Sequoia Park. However, looking at my own road map, I saw that I could use Route 245 from right outside Kings Canyon Park, and that it would save me some of the distance.

What I did not realize was that the Squaw valley route would have taken me along the plains, whereas this route would entail climbing down from the Kings Canyon ridge and then climbing back up to reach Sequoia Park. It was one of the most entertaining sessions of mountain driving that I have been blessed to encounter.

The first and most important component of what made this ride so special was, of course, the weather. It was a beautiful, balmy winter morning - absolutely clear blue skies and a benevolent sun shining down graciously. Secondly, there were absolutely no people on the road. As a matter of fact, in all that 40 mile stretch, I encountered precisely three other cars, two of them together near the end. For all practical purposes, I could have been the only person in the entire world, merrily whizzing along the twists and turns of that serpentine road as it wound down into some of the most idyllic pastoral country that I have ever seen.

But I am getting ahead of myself. The descent itself was orders of magnitude more enjoyable by virtue of the make of my car. Whereas in normal cars, going down grades is quite pleasurable, in a Prius, the experience is enhanced several-fold. Where normal cars will slow down in the occasional inclinations, causing the driver to have to pump the gas pedal a little bit, the Prius keeps accelerating through those stretches, thanks to its electric motor. For about a ten mile stretch, I did not need a drop of gas, just the occasional judicious application of brakes. Furthermore, on my way down, I was greeted by a drift of light fog, that added a surreal element to the experience until, in all honesty, it appeared to be more of a practice spin in the Need For Speed PC game than a real experience. The quietness of the car engine, combined with occasional stretches of extremely smooth road gave me on several occasions, a beautiful sense of gliding through the air that one typically feels in an aircraft right before it is about to land.

Meadows, green and pristine, dotted with cows, horses and sheep. Groves of orange trees more orange that green, tremendous fields of grain. Out of the fog, I descended into the heart of agrarian California. Years in the future, when I look back, I think there is a great probability that this will be the moment I will look back upon as the one where I accepted this country to be my own. I had thought I would never again experience the tranquility and joy that I had felt in the Himalayan foothills. I was wrong, and I rejoice beyond measure at having been proved wrong.

Rather than persist in annoying my faithful readers with further rhapsody, I think I will not describe in much greater detail my journey on 245 down to 198, thence to Sequoia Park and the last 20 miles of descent into the heart of the Giant Forest. Let me simply place on record that I truly felt like I was 2, that the whole world existed simply for my entertainment, and that it was doing a very good job of entertaining me. The tints of the Sierra Nevada, the unreality of the distant blue-hued snow-capped peaks, the solemn valley of the river Kaweah, the quaint, gabled homesteads and hand-written signboards - it was as if Nature was articulating all my deepest archetypes of beauty in one glorious sonata.

Arriving at Sequoia Park in this tranquil mood, I found that I had to, as stated earlier, drive 20 miles further to reach the famous Giant Forest. This is the largest Sequoia grove in the world, and is reputed to to contain more than 200 trees with a diameter greater than 10 feet. I was pleased to find that there was even fewer signs of commercial exploitation here than at Kings Canyon. About the only human structure in evidence was a small Giants Museum for children, and an information desk. Not finding much to excite my interest here, I drove the remaining few miles to the grove that harbors the largest living thing on Earth - the General Sherman tree.

In light of my rather composed reaction at the sight of the General Grant tree, I was expecting a similar situation to arise in the case of the Sherman tree too. It so happened that I misinterpreted a sign pointing me towards the Sherman tree and mistakenly assumed a nearer tree (at which some equally mistaken tourists were posing) to be the object in question. I was puzzled, since this tree, while quite imposing in stature, was nowhere near as imposing as the General Grant. ``What a rip-off'', I thought, ``Why even that big tree yonder is bigger than this one''.

Critics might accuse me of dramatizing my account, but this actually is how I came across the largest living thing on Earth. As soon as I had finished my mental comparison of the alleged Sherman tree with the tree in the background, I slowly realized that the tree in the background was much, much bigger than any of the others I had seen. Tramping across the snow towards it, my wits slowly realized what my eyes, falling on a signpost confirmed moments later. This was the General Sherman tree!

What a monster!

I repeated this phrase over and over again, as I attempted to come to terms with the magnitude of this vast creature. I think the fact that my expectations from the Sherman had been drastically lowered by my earlier error was largely responsible for the fact that the size of the General Sherman absolutely stunned me. Walking up to it, resting my chin against its trunk and gazing upwards, my most accessible thought was, ``This is not a tree, its a mountain.''

And thus it verily was. Its largest branch, sticking out at a height of about 150 feet, was itself much larger than most trees one would naturally expect to see. Standing a dizzy 270 feet tall, he was not as bulky at the base as the General Grant, but much more solidly built throughout. Even though the General Grant is not to be sneezed at, the difference between the two was viscerally enormous. While the General Grant impressed me no end, the Sherman tree left me giggling in stunned amazement.

I found that I was not alone in my merriment. The tree appeared to have a similar effect on several of the other onlookers. We were unanimous in the opinion that ``That is a big tree.'' The awestruck wonder in everyone's eyes was a joy to behold. I propounded my theory of Vishnu's link to the big trees to a woman nearby, who coincidentally turned out to be an erstwhile ISKCON follower.

I peregrinated gently in that magnificent grove, which houses about ten of the largest trees in the world. I returned to the Sherman, and in an extremely pretentious and vacuous gesture, tried to connect with his thoughts by placing my palm on him and removing conscious thought. Somewhat sheepishly, I withdrew. With my last sight of the Sherman tree, I summoned up all my ancestral reservoirs of animism and offered up a prayer to the Divine for the safe passage into the other life of my grandparents, who are both in frail health now, and to whom I owe as much affection as is usually due only to parents.

There was but one task left to attempt before driving back home - the ascent to Moro Rock. Having read and heard several rapturous descriptions of the view from on top, I had resolved to climb up to it. However, it turned out that the road up to the beginning of the climbing trail was blocked up with snow, and that it was not advisable to venture up.

However, a couple of snowshoers were at that very moment going up the trail, and moved by their spirit, I thought I would try it as well. Of course, I did not have snow shoes, only my pitiful basketball shoes with snow tracks on them. However, I cast caution to the winds and started following their footprints up the mountain.

It was easy going for a while, and I thought I would soon catch up with them. However, soon the snow became softer, and I got my first and extremely arduous lesson in trying to walk on snow. Clumping along as I was originally, I found that by repeatedly sinking my heels into the snow to depths of half a foot and more, I was gravely risking the structural integrity of my ankles. Thus, my first snow-walking lesson was to try and land on the balls of my feet as opposed to my heels, an action more natural while running than walking.

I made steady progress for a while, and then found that the intrepid duo who had preceded me up the mountain were returning. This worried me, since I did not know the way to Moro Rock, and I had been hoping that their footsteps would be adequate guidance for me. At this point, prudence counseled me to follow their lead and return. I tried to place my foolhardy spirit of adventure in the counter-balance, but it could not be bothered to make the effort. Then, interestingly, I thought of you, my readers.

I thought of the gutless story my ill-conceived hike would make if I were to give in at that point, and my Ego demanded that I make some efforts to prolong my struggle. So, I rested for a bit on a rock and then stepped out into pristine, unmarked snow, trying to strike out in the general direction of Moro Rock. I went along for about half a mile and then found a heartening sight - some sort of satellite dish installation. Notwithstanding my assertions to the contrary earlier in the narrative, I must confess that these signs of civilization were extremely welcome to me.

However, on consulting a signpost half-buried in the snow nearby, my worst suspicions were confirmed. I was farther from Moro Rock than at the beginning of my journey, and I had been, at least for a while, been taking a direction almost orthogonal to the real one. This stark condemnation of my orienteering skill gave me further pause, and I wondered if I should turn back.

At this point, the remnants of the foolish, feral part of my nature asserted themselves. ``What nonsense! On we go!''. So, on we went, and it was interesting going for a while. Climbing on slopes populated by sequoia trees, I was able to get a closer view of their upper sections and branch and leaf arrangements. I labored on upwards, feet sinking in the snow at every step, heart pounding with the exercise, and mind calculating the probability of my survival should I lose sight of my footprints on the way back.

Unhappily, my story does not have a heroic ending. Having labored upwards for half an hour, I found myself on top of a hill, and completely disoriented with respect to my own bearings, to say nothing of Moro Rock. At several times during my time in India, I would carry a compass with me, and pride myself of extracting myself from similar situations using elementary sky-reading. In this case, I had no compass, and thus no recourse to trigonometric salvation. I scanned the foliate slopes of the hill for possible traces of a trail, but could not find any. The rush of adrenaline subsided, I retraced my footsteps and arrived back at the Museum uneventfully. I will return to Sequoia Park in summer, and I will climb up to Moro Rock then.

With the afternoon gradually subsiding, I had to choose between idling in the Park and looking at some more trees and driving home on Monday morning, or making a dash for home, hoping to clear the mountains by the time the light failed and arrive home by 9 in the evening. The latter suggestion won out, since it would allow me to finish up this piece before the rush and tumult of the week drew me in again. So, I bid the Park and its out-sized inhabitants farewell and set out.

The return journey was as equally satisfying as the one coming in that I have rapturously detailed elsewhere. Instead of driving down Hwy 198 back to civilization, I chose to drive up the mountain road, Rte 245 once more and to return home via the Kings Canyon Road by which I had arrived. This made the trip 40 miles longer, but that was a small price to pay for the privilege of rolling up that exquisite stretch of countryside again.

One last incident occurred in the mountains, before I bid them farewell for the nonce. Driving out of Sequoia Park, while still high up, I parked my car in a turnout at a bend in the road and paused to gaze out at the Sierra Nevada in all its glory one last time. Sitting on the rock boundary at the outer edge of the road, I finally gave in to my urge and meditated. I sat there with the cool breeze and the hot sun as my sole companions, oblivious to the passage of time and cars. And here, unbidden, I received insight into the questions that had come to me the previous day.

Looking at distant mountains has always triggered odd sentiments for me. It always seems to me that they are calling me. I am quite certain that others have heard their plaint too. The one that calls you to drop what you're doing and come up higher into the mountains, deeper into the forests. I have now realized that this `call' results as a consequence of two sequential actions. First, when the human mind is confronted with existence far beyond its own length- and time-scale, it becomes aware of its mortality. That is what causes the sadness that I feel. Secondly, with the Ego thus shaken in its throne, the Spirit takes the opportunity to assert itself, and reminds the discriminative intellect that It always remains, and that the Ego's mortality is not a cause for concern, since it does not affect the true essence of Being. This results in that sense of cleansing and fulfillment that follows the pang of sadness.

Thus results the music of the mountains, a song that I have heard so clearly since I was ten years' old. Thus, indeed results all music, for is not all music a reminder of the fact that timeless beauty can be evoked in a short span of time? Thus, in its essence, results meaning out of meaninglessness, Life out of thermodynamics, Love out of Death, Being out of Un-Being. The whole story of the Universe is so simply told as a tale of two motifs - the sadness that comes of the finitude of a substructure, and its resolution through synthesis with others of its own ilk.

Hence, as epilogue to this narrative of my little journey: he meditated on a rock wall in the Sierra Nevada on a sunny afternoon, and lived happily ever after.



Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Of course, but you need to get up first

Draw the arrows of sorrows from your wounds,
Sharpen them on the anvil of quiet reflection,
And let them fly at the demons that daunt you.

Draw these strings of gloomy thought together
Knot them and coil them in labor and sweat
Take this rope and climb up above your fears

Draw those bitter words and promises broken
In the gentle heat of your tapas let them lie
Anon, press the wine to your lips and laugh


For you will have conquered through submission


The path of fire and light is a daunting one
Be bold, and step forth

About Me

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I is a place-holder to prevent perpetual infinite regress. I is a marker on the road that ends in I not being.